When Rabbi Sari Laufer talks about her role at Stephen Wise Temple in Los Angeles, she says her job is “to meet people and to help people find their people.”

Individuals may show up for a class, a speaker, a service, or a holiday gathering, but what makes that experience stay with them? What helps someone walk in, meet another person, and feel that there may be a place for them there?

We talked about this and more in our recent “Ask the Rabbi” session.

The Search for Real Connection

During our time together, Rabbi Laufer spoke about what many people are seeking from Jewish life now. She shared a story about an adult bat mitzvah student who described how her synagogue had changed for her. At first, it felt like “a vast array of faceless humanity.” Over time, it became “a place where somebody knows your name.”

In a world where it’s easy to remain anonymous, people are looking for places where someone recognizes their face, remembers something about them, and expects to see them again.

“We can hide behind our screens,” she said. In New York, she remembered riding the subway surrounded by strangers. In Los Angeles, people spend hours alone in their cars. No matter where you are, that feeling can be similar: people all around us, and still a lack of real connection.

The Fear of Walking In Alone

Rabbi Laufer talked about how hard it can be to enter a space alone. She compared it to the high school cafeteria: the old feeling of not knowing where to sit or whom to talk to.

Does that feel familiar? A person may see something genuinely interesting happening at a synagogue or institution and still decide not to go. The issue isn’t always apathy or lack of interest. Sometimes it’s the vulnerability of entering a room where everyone else seems to know where they belong.

This is part of what Rabbi Laufer’s work tries to address. She spoke about helping people connect not only with Jewish learning or synagogue programming, but with one another.

Jewish engagement, in this sense, is not only about who shows up. It is about what happens between people once they are there.

More Than Friendship

Rabbi Laufer also drew a distinction between friendship and community.

Friendship is essential. We need the people we choose, the people we call first, the people who know the intimate details of our lives.

But community asks something different of us. It brings us into contact with people we might not have found on our own: people at different stages of life, people with different backgrounds, people whose questions are not the same as ours.

Religious community asks people to notice and care for one another even when they are not close friends. That care may appear in ordinary ways: greeting someone by name, saving a seat, asking a question, and staying long enough to hear the answer.

When a Class Becomes a Community

Rabbi Laufer gave the example of a Torah study group that had been meeting for five years. When someone was absent for a couple of weeks, another person would call to check in. That call was partly because of genuine care and partly, she said, because it was a religious obligation.

That’s what can happen with Jewish learning over time. A group is not only gathering around a text or a topic. The people around the table (or screen, as the case may be sometimes) have begun to learn one another’s questions, concerns, and lives.

This is one of the reasons adult Jewish learning can become such a meaningful entry point into Jewish life.

The Promise and Limits of Digital Jewish Life

Rabbi Laufer also talked about the complicated role of digital Jewish life. She believes online spaces have opened important doors. They have made Jewish learning, prayer, and communal participation more accessible for people who live far from synagogues, who feel marginalized in local Jewish spaces, or who cannot easily attend in person.

At the same time, she talked about what digital spaces cannot fully replace. When someone comes to say Kaddish online, that access can be a gift. But it is not the same as having someone physically beside you, able to put an arm around you, or introduce you to someone else who understands the burden you are carrying.

Digital Jewish life can increase access in many ways. But Jewish communities still have to ask what happens next. How does a person on the other side of the screen become more than a name in a box? How might access become recognition, and recognition become care?

A Place to Be Known

The work of Jewish community is not only to offer meaningful content. It’s to create a place where people can find one another.

Rabbi Laufer invites us to think about engagement as a practice. A community becomes stronger each time someone is welcomed, remembered, introduced, checked on, and missed.

At Melton, we believe Jewish learning can be one of those places: a space where people study, question, return, and gradually find one another. Explore our courses and find your people.

Rabbi Rachel Rudis Bovitz is the Executive Director of the Florence Melton School of Adult Jewish Learning.